The Dreadful Doc Appointment

So, now that I have half way sorted through my tears.. I can actually talk about how disappointed I am with the doctors appointment. Not just with the outcome, but the first impression we got from the doctor.

So we got there.. and it was a bit odd that the reception area was across the hall from the actual office, but no big deal. I fill out my paperwork, and finally get called back. The girl that calls me back says she is helping Angela (I'm like ok? I don't know who Angela is) she gets my weight and blood pressure and puts us in a room, so we sit there for a little while.. and Angela walks in. Come to find out, Angela is the nurse.. but not only the nurse, she is my cousin Jennifer's.. ex boyfriends.. new girlfriend. Needless to say, that was awkward.. but she turned out to be very nice. So, after she got through with the run down of questions she said that Dr. Eduardo would want to come in and talk to us before going over for the ultrasound. So we sat in there for a good 20-30 mins. Finally Angela, came back in and said that the doctor had a delivery and that she would be in soon. So, we said cool. I guess she was running so behind at this point, she felt she had to rush through my appointment.. because when she finally did come in there.. all she said to us was.. are you sure of your last period? I said yes.. and she said ok, let me find out where we are going to do the ultrasound. Then she walked out. I kinda looked at Diego.. and was like.. that's it?!? So, the original girl that called me back comes in and says they are ready for me. So, we walk down the hall and they start the ultrasound. She looked around for a minute and was said, "Look how full your bladder is!" So, she had me go empty it.. and then started over... she looked around for a while and I was desperately waiting to see some glimpse of life.. but I never saw anything that looked like anything to me. Then she started with the questions of.. Have you had any bleeding, spotting, cramping.. and I said no... none at all.. Then she asked if I had any nausea or vomiting.. and I told her very mild nausea but no vomiting.. then she asked very concernedly.. Any breast tenderness? I said YES! and she was like ok.. then she showed us a spot and she measured it.. and told us that it was only measuring about 5 weeks.. and that if I was at least 8 weeks, there should be more formation and a heartbeat. She said she would need to measure my hormones.. to see if they were going up. She never mention what it would mean if they weren't.. and never really explained anything else to us. She told me to get dressed and she left.. and we never saw her again. I was terrified, and confused! I didn't know what was going on.. Angela came back in there and told us that sometimes, fertilization doesn't take place right away, and not to panic yet. Then she sent me back to get my labs drawn. They told me to come back on Tuesday.. so that they can draw more blood.. to compare what they found on Friday. After the lab work, as we were walking back through the office, I asked the girl if we were finished and she said yes. So we left. The appointment went nothing like I had imagined.. I thought we were going to have some time with the doctor.. to get questions answered, and just more information in general. I guess, maybe if there were no problems.. she might have gone over all that with us. I don't know.

Diego and I went to go eat Souper Salads.. and I was looking at the sheet that I had walked out with.. and then I remembered from working at a doctors office.. that I was not supposed to take the code sheet with me, I guess in my state of confusion I wasn't thinking right, but anyway.. I was looking at the diagnosis code.. and saw that it said... Abortion, threatened. After seeing that.. I was crushed. The sliver of hope that I had was gone. I didn't even know what the hell to think. I was more upset than I was before. I couldn't believe that the day I had waited for, for so long.. had turned out to be one of the worse days of my life.

I have so many feelings and emotions running through me.. that I don't really know how to act normal. I'm upset, I'm disappointed, and I'm feeling a little foolish. Foolish, for being so excited, for planning, for picking out stuff, for going to baby stores, for telling people.. when in the back of my mind.. I knew this could happen. I tried to be positive and think, that I was over thinking everything.. and I convinced myself that it was going to be ok. I am trying not to be mopey.. but, I have moments were it's very hard to fake it and be happy. I mean, last week I was saying that I wasn't enjoying being pregnant.. but right now, I would take all of that back. I would give anything.. to have seen the fluttering of our little bean.